[ Another contemplative thought. It's hard to know what he's thinking about or what that noise means, but Toji shifts out from under Choso despite him being in a comfortable position and he rolls over on him, pushing himself up in his forearms and looking down at Choso. ]
I think you are affectionate for me and you don't understand what to do about it.
[ ah, rude. being so at ease, Choso just sort of plops onto the sheets, but when he turns his blinking gaze upward there is only that sleepy peace to be found in him.
what a good view, this. ]
Is that what this is? But you're right: I don't.
[ a hand lifts up, thumb tracing the trajectory of the scar on Toji's mouth. ]
[ Did Toji feel the same way? Probably not. But he felt some sort of way in regards to Choso that he also couldn't quite figure out, but unlike Choso, he found himself not really caring about chasing whatever it was.
Still. He could maybe selfishly have a little taste. After all, it had been far too long since he indulged in something so tender. ]
You're an idiot. You're also a weak curse to fall so easily for someone like me. Someone who doesn't deserve any kind of love.
[ He doesn't sound hurt or cold when he says this. In fact, he seems smug; almost proud that he has never been loved before other than by his first wife. His hand lifts, pressing over Choso's that is toying with his scar. ]
What you do with those emotions is you throw them away. They're no good, not even for a wretched thing like you.
[ he thinks they should sting, these words, thinks they should be tearing him asunder, but all Choso hears in them is truth.
he is weak, he is wretched, too much a curse to fit in with humanity and too much a human to sink into the mire of a cursed life. every brother but one gone, and the one remaining a fractured and wounded wreck of a boy. ]
Then I must be fundamentally broken.
[ and he sounds so plain about it, as flatly certain as reciting that the sky is blue, the ocean is salty, and his blood is toxic. ]
For all I want is to keep them, even if they never grow beyond what they are now. They’re mine, after all; I grew them myself.
[ His cocky smile fades when Choso says that. What was Choso hanging onto so desperately? Why were the emotions he was feeling so important to him? ]
Aa. You're dumber than I thought.
[ He removes his hand from on top of Choso's and dips down so kiss him; something oddly sweet and gentle, especially considering how aggressive he's been in the past. He pulls back, holding Choso at the chin and looking into his eyes, his own halfway open but his gaze still as sharp. ]
You and I will never be anything, so you are wasting those precious feelings you have.
[ Toji’s words are sharp little things, as sleek and smooth as razors, but for every little cut they leave in him, Choso still chases for more. he drinks in the kiss like a man parched, eyes never quite closing, never looking away, even as the flush rises in his cheeks anew.
they will never be anything, but this isn’t new to him. ]
I know.
[ his hands drift up, both now framing Toji’s face, fingers combing into dark hair, but for all that he wants to grip tight and pull and bite, Choso makes himself gentle, makes his touch drift light and delicate over the scalp. ]
But, did you know? I’m already dead; whatever was possible or not doesn’t matter, because everything I have now is already more than I ever expected to get. Even the things I feel for a creature like you are precious.
[ Such gentleness. It's a touch that he's only felt so very little his whole life, and by now, he had forgotten the experience; how it feels to look at somebody so intimately in their eyes and simply... be. Simply be held. Be admired. Nothing but the sound of their breathing in between the delicate space between their lips. There's a moment where Toji's heavy eyes scan Choso's for any sort of flaw; any kind of insincerity. He's dead. So what? Toji is also dead. That is how their fate seems to be in their unstable society, either curse or human. Either way, they were both strange anomalies just trying to get by in a world that didn't suit them. Their fate ends up the same.
Something Choso says seems to resonate with him. He didn't ask to be here and come back to life, but since then, he has taken it as a sign for a second chance. A second chance to fix things with Megumi, just as his wife would have wanted him to do. Would she want him to continue to live his life alone, also? Probably not, but the very thought of entertaining that idea seems nigh unreachable for Toji.
After a strange exchange of silence, Toji settles his body heavily on Choso, his face burrowing in his neck. His weight feels crushing. He doesn't really know how to feel about all of this and neither can he just keep insulting Choso either. ]
Hn.
[ it's nice to just be held, nothing sexual happening between them, he is realizing. And yet, he isn't going to allow himself to have this. ]
Spend your second chance as reckless as you want, I guess. I know better.
[ says the guy who is always willing to risk it all. ]
[ the full pressure of Toji's dead weight is positively fucking lethal, but Choso prides himself on being tough to break. it's just a matter of blood manipulation, of adjusting to make up for the strain that the weight puts on his body. moving would really be easier, but there is something about this that Choso cannot bring himself to end; as if Toji were crushing his spirit back into his bones, anchoring him back down. ]
I will.
[ and it's kind of faint, his voice, like the air's been steadily pressed out of his lungs, but he doesn't care. his arms wind around Toji's shoulders to keep him in place, one hand burying in shorter hair while the other drifts down to splay between shoulderblades.
stupid, foolish curse that he is, Choso turns his head just enough to knock gently against Toji's. like this, he thinks, they are two animals, ill-fitting in a dizzying world that was not made for them, finding a rare solace in their shared warmth. two anomalies, two beasts, two creatures too ruinous to ever slot into place with the rest, but that still had to fight and struggle and live for the younger souls who still had their own futures to chase. ]
[ Toji remains still, idly remembering what all of this felt like a long time ago; those fond memories he had worked so hard to forget because it hurt so much for him to reflect on the things that he had lost.
She held him like this, too, when he felt like his world was falling apart and when he felt like losing control. It's different with Choso, but something about it is still similar. ]
Choso..
[ Toji very rarely used names, this might actually be the first time he has said Choso's name to him. He can probably feel a lopsided smirk on his face, a small one. ]
When we die again, I am going to drag you to the depths of hell with me. You need to be punished for being so foolish. Even then, you'll probably still be fond of me. What does it take for you to let go?
[ it does something to Choso, to hear his name on Toji's tongue like that, to listen to how the consonants are hissed between predator's teeth. he cannot help it, how it brings the flush to his face, burning up high in his cheeks and his ears, impossible not to feel when they lay this close.
Choso. ]
My brothers, but as long as they can pass into their next life in peace, I don't mind burning with you.
[ he's earned it, hasn't he? Sukuna's flames may have taken his body, but even they weren't enough to burn clean his soul of all his sins and mistakes. as long as Yuji could live a long life, as long as Eso and Kechizu could rest, Choso's own mortal fate could take him anywhere. anywhere at all. ]
I hold onto what I want, and I want Fushiguro Toji.
[ This is so stupid. For a moment, Toji had thought that maybe he had cornered him in some way-- put pressure on him to let go of this stupid crush he has on him, apparently. Toji never wanted to end up in this situation; he just wanted to.. be less lonely and have someone who was compatible with him sexually.
That smirk is easily replaced by a frown and he pulls himself up from their embrace, glowering down at him. Persistent. What made Choso this way? ]
What you want will eventually be your downfall.
[ Yet, he's not going to threaten Choso. He's not going to accept him or reject him. Choso knows exactly what he wants, and maybe Toji is jealous that he doesn't know anything he wants.
He slips off of the other man and out of the bed, stretching his arms and back, squeezing his shoulders together, and busying himself with getting dressed.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ Another contemplative thought. It's hard to know what he's thinking about or what that noise means, but Toji shifts out from under Choso despite him being in a comfortable position and he rolls over on him, pushing himself up in his forearms and looking down at Choso. ]
I think you are affectionate for me and you don't understand what to do about it.
[ There's a crooked smile, teasing. ]
no subject
what a good view, this. ]
Is that what this is? But you're right: I don't.
[ a hand lifts up, thumb tracing the trajectory of the scar on Toji's mouth. ]
All I know is I want what I see.
no subject
Still. He could maybe selfishly have a little taste. After all, it had been far too long since he indulged in something so tender. ]
You're an idiot. You're also a weak curse to fall so easily for someone like me. Someone who doesn't deserve any kind of love.
[ He doesn't sound hurt or cold when he says this. In fact, he seems smug; almost proud that he has never been loved before other than by his first wife. His hand lifts, pressing over Choso's that is toying with his scar. ]
What you do with those emotions is you throw them away. They're no good, not even for a wretched thing like you.
no subject
he is weak, he is wretched, too much a curse to fit in with humanity and too much a human to sink into the mire of a cursed life. every brother but one gone, and the one remaining a fractured and wounded wreck of a boy. ]
Then I must be fundamentally broken.
[ and he sounds so plain about it, as flatly certain as reciting that the sky is blue, the ocean is salty, and his blood is toxic. ]
For all I want is to keep them, even if they never grow beyond what they are now. They’re mine, after all; I grew them myself.
no subject
Aa. You're dumber than I thought.
[ He removes his hand from on top of Choso's and dips down so kiss him; something oddly sweet and gentle, especially considering how aggressive he's been in the past. He pulls back, holding Choso at the chin and looking into his eyes, his own halfway open but his gaze still as sharp. ]
You and I will never be anything, so you are wasting those precious feelings you have.
no subject
they will never be anything, but this isn’t new to him. ]
I know.
[ his hands drift up, both now framing Toji’s face, fingers combing into dark hair, but for all that he wants to grip tight and pull and bite, Choso makes himself gentle, makes his touch drift light and delicate over the scalp. ]
But, did you know? I’m already dead; whatever was possible or not doesn’t matter, because everything I have now is already more than I ever expected to get. Even the things I feel for a creature like you are precious.
no subject
Something Choso says seems to resonate with him. He didn't ask to be here and come back to life, but since then, he has taken it as a sign for a second chance. A second chance to fix things with Megumi, just as his wife would have wanted him to do. Would she want him to continue to live his life alone, also? Probably not, but the very thought of entertaining that idea seems nigh unreachable for Toji.
After a strange exchange of silence, Toji settles his body heavily on Choso, his face burrowing in his neck. His weight feels crushing. He doesn't really know how to feel about all of this and neither can he just keep insulting Choso either. ]
Hn.
[ it's nice to just be held, nothing sexual happening between them, he is realizing. And yet, he isn't going to allow himself to have this. ]
Spend your second chance as reckless as you want, I guess. I know better.
[ says the guy who is always willing to risk it all. ]
no subject
I will.
[ and it's kind of faint, his voice, like the air's been steadily pressed out of his lungs, but he doesn't care. his arms wind around Toji's shoulders to keep him in place, one hand burying in shorter hair while the other drifts down to splay between shoulderblades.
stupid, foolish curse that he is, Choso turns his head just enough to knock gently against Toji's. like this, he thinks, they are two animals, ill-fitting in a dizzying world that was not made for them, finding a rare solace in their shared warmth. two anomalies, two beasts, two creatures too ruinous to ever slot into place with the rest, but that still had to fight and struggle and live for the younger souls who still had their own futures to chase. ]
Right here is just fine.
no subject
She held him like this, too, when he felt like his world was falling apart and when he felt like losing control. It's different with Choso, but something about it is still similar. ]
Choso..
[ Toji very rarely used names, this might actually be the first time he has said Choso's name to him. He can probably feel a lopsided smirk on his face, a small one. ]
When we die again, I am going to drag you to the depths of hell with me. You need to be punished for being so foolish. Even then, you'll probably still be fond of me. What does it take for you to let go?
no subject
Choso. ]
My brothers, but as long as they can pass into their next life in peace, I don't mind burning with you.
[ he's earned it, hasn't he? Sukuna's flames may have taken his body, but even they weren't enough to burn clean his soul of all his sins and mistakes. as long as Yuji could live a long life, as long as Eso and Kechizu could rest, Choso's own mortal fate could take him anywhere. anywhere at all. ]
I hold onto what I want, and I want Fushiguro Toji.
no subject
That smirk is easily replaced by a frown and he pulls himself up from their embrace, glowering down at him. Persistent. What made Choso this way? ]
What you want will eventually be your downfall.
[ Yet, he's not going to threaten Choso. He's not going to accept him or reject him. Choso knows exactly what he wants, and maybe Toji is jealous that he doesn't know anything he wants.
He slips off of the other man and out of the bed, stretching his arms and back, squeezing his shoulders together, and busying himself with getting dressed.
It's like beating a dead horse. ]
I never meant for you to like me.