I just wanted to know. Do you really think I wouldn't be that curious down the line?
[ back then, she wouldn't. but this is the consequence of getting too close to people no matter how they try not to get attached. at some point, they can't help but do just that. ]
I wanted a reference anyway. Not just with doing it with someone you really liked, but... in general. [ love is such a strong word, but... toji had certainly had more experience in that department if he was able to get a child out of it, among other things. ] You don't... feel the same way towards me, do you?
[ Ah. She's making sure there isn't any feelings involved in this. Toji knows that's not the case.. because he knows that when he knows it.. happens very fast. Those feelings of love. It's no coincidence that when he thinks about those feelings, he does think of his first wife, but then he also thinks of someone else. Someone new. Someone with long, dark hair and a kind heart. Someone he was scared of giving himself wholly to because that same pain might come back if she ever left this world. If she ever died. Just like his first wife.
It's Yor, the person he is thinking about now and how he's going to undeniably going to have to figure those feelings out.. and soon. The way he's smitten but also terrified, it's becoming overwhelming for someone like him. Someone emotionally unstable because he has ignored his feelings long enough.
Idly, he pats a seat next to him. ]
Hey. Sit down.
[ This might get messy. ]
Not once.
[--did I ever feel romantic towards you. It might have been harsh, but nobody said Toji was ever delicate with other people's feelings. ]
[ she walks over to sit next to him, relieved that for once, he's actually taking this seriously. every time they meet up, it's only for getting each other off, and... it's not really a good way to get to know someone who you've known for almost a year now. at the same time, she was worried that somehow he's gotten some feelings for her too, which might have made things even more complicated with hew feelings for... well.
so when toji admits that no, he hasn't felt a single thing towards her, she lets out a huge sigh of relief. ]
Okay, that's good. [ that's one hurdle down. ] I didn't mean to put it like I don't want you to catch feelings in general. I just don't think we're meant at all for each other in that way, nor do I think that what we have right now is sustainable for the long run.
[ it's been fun, but... sometimes she can't help but wonder what it's like if there are some strings attached, with a different person. ]
[ He didn't mean to let that come out of his mouth, but it just kind of does, mostly because he's frustrated that he's let his guard down and allowed it to happen and now he's stuck. He hates being in this situation, truly. Toji lets out a thoughtful hum, then digs his elbow into her, eyes half-lidded and tired, but, there's an inkling of a genuine smile there.
Maybe it's because while he was fucking Ishmael, his guard had been let down a little bit with her too. But not in a romantic way, just in .. a friendship way. Was that okay? Did he even deserve friends? ]
Oi.
2/2, cw: mention of violence against women, familal abuse
[ He sits upright a little more so he can lean forward and get a better look at her. ]
Whoever he is, he better be nice to you.
[ yeah girl it's obvious you got a crush, you don't gotta say it. Being relieved that he doesn't like her; asking about his first love. It's obvious. She's into somebody.
Toji has a tendency to boss women (and really, anyone) around, but never once would he ever put them in a situation that made them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Back on his estate, he was abused, just like the women were, and although their suffering was different in a way he couldn't understand since he's a man, he hated to see them in a situation that made them unsafe. He was still a person without cursed energy, which his family hated, so he was put in a category of being harmed just like they were. ]
[ yes, you fucking dumbass, you also deserve friends. but she's a little taken aback by his assumption just now, and she leans far back while shaking her head. ]
Huh? Wait, that's not--
[ except, that's exactly it. and maybe back then she'd still be in denial about her own feelings, but she's never been the one to lie just to one-up somebody. she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and huffs. ]
...He is, so you don't have to worry about that.
[ she sounds exasperated, but at the same time... she can't help but feel a little fond. see? he does care in his own complicated way. even during in bed whenever they choose to get a little rough. but now, she is curious. ]
So... You don't have feelings for me, or for anyone at all? [ she places a hand on his knee for reassurance. ] You can tell me. We may as well let it all out now.
[ He knew it. And Toji would be so smug right now if Ishmael hadn't brought him and his feelings into this conversation. The hand on his knee especially gets him to react-- to scoff and look away for a moment.
If Ishmael dares to look further at him, though, she might notice.. something very odd. Something she probably hasn't ever seen before. Even with all of the dirty things they have done and said to one another. And yet.. and yet...
[ That settles it, then. He's closer to Ishmael than he thought, because he wouldn't just admit this so easily and to anyone. Maybe apart of him wanted to tell someone too. Maybe somehow it was going to help the myriad of conflicting emotions that were boiling up inside of him as he shrugged it off like it wasn't anything. But he can't help it.
He's thinking of her all the time now. ]
Wanna know how I know?
[ This is going back to the question she asked previously about him knowing about his first wife. ]
[ oh? he's blushing... it's so rare, seeing this side of him when he always has a shit-eating grin on his face. she was going to tease him for it when yor's name is brought up, and she blinks owlishly at him.
well, it's pretty obvious who it is. judging from how yor talks about him, he treats her so differently compared to the rest. ishmael couldn't believe her ears at first. but seeing him now and hearing that confirmation from him has made her realizes that he's changed - even if he might not have realized it yet.
she's silent for a while, then shakes her head solemnly. ]
[ He’s not good about opening up with his feelings to anyone, but it certainly does count for something that he’s willing to with someone. It’s only because he’s known Ishmael for a long time now, and although they barely spent time getting to actually know one another, something about being physically close to her makes it easier to be emotionally close to her to.
The words that come out of his mouth next are nearly poetic. ]
Every damn night when I close my eyes, I see her. I want to know everything about her. What does she like, what she doesn’t like. What is she afraid of. Where she came from. What makes her happy.
[ Although all of this sounds very sweet, he sounds very distressed while talking about it. Almost like it aches to be so smitten by someone. ]
[ she watches him in rapt attention, fascinated that he can be this honest. or rather, he had no choice but to be honest with her. she'd forced him into a corner, like how yor pried his heart out of his chest into the open. ]
Mm, I get it. [ she leans her head against his shoulder. ] That's... how I felt about him, too. It's his fault I became like this.
[ all they needed was a little bit of kindness before the walls came tumbling down. at least toji had had prior experience, albeit floundering all the way. ishmael, meanwhile, had none of that.
and yet: ] But that's the thing about most relationships. It always starts from small curiosities. Because I'm also curious about you, and Yor, and everyone else we've met here so far. And that is why... we have to end it here.
[ so that they'll know each other on a deeper level, not just on physicalities alone.
she turns her head slightly to look at him. ]
You have to come and get her, Toji. I'm sure she's waiting for you.
[ Toji has a tendency to be blunt and honest when he feels like the time and the person is right. Other times, trying to figure him out is a challenge and he keeps everything elusive from other people. As Ishmael turns to look at him, he looks away. ]
I think you're right -- about ending it.
[ As for committing to Yor, he still is unsure. His tongue clicks. ]
It's a lot for me.
[ To commit. To try again. To think he's worth pursuing any amount of happiness. He's scared, really, because what if he has that happiness again and something goes wrong? What if she dies like his first wife did? Or she sees all the ugly parts of him and leaves him? ]
Maybe it's better that I just take what I deserve and not what I want.
[ Meaning.. he thinks he deserves something less of joy. That's what his family's treatment made him think about himself, in any case. Fucking around with whoever brought him some satisfaction and happiness. That's why he always just settled for it instead of being in love. ]
[ he's still holding himself back. whatever's troubling him must be that deep-seated, and from what ishmael can glean from him so far, from the scant implications of a rough family life to the loss of his wife, she can't really blame him. she has the same sentiments, not wanting to get too close to anyone lest she loses them again...
but it's too late now. they've grown close despite their bodies doing all the talking for them. and if that's what it'll take to push toji on, then fine.
she stands up from her seat and climbs onto the bed, kneeling behind toji and leaning in to give him a hug from there. her long orange hair cascades down his side like a waterfall as she plops her chin on his shoulder ]
...Hey. Listen to me. [ shakes him a little. ] You do know that when you want something, you're allowed to just do what you have to get it? Even when it wouldn't hurt anyone and it would make you really happy.
[ mind = blown. ]
None of us are going to be here for long, you know. She might even disappear the next day. [ someone has to say it. ] It's one less burden on your shoulders, you know. Don't sit on it until it's too late.
[ How long has it been since he's felt somebody embrace him with such feeling? Truly, Toji cannot remember, mostly because he tries to forget the happiness he once had. It makes things feel better now that his first wife is gone. For someone as selfish and greedy as he is, there is a huge amount of apprehension here. His nose wrinkles and he scoffs, but he allows her to keep her arms around him.
It's hard to admit it, but he will, only because he's been with Ishmael for a long time, even if it was just for a distraction and a good time. ]
It's not that I don't know that. I know that damn well. That's part of the problem. If ...
[ He makes a frustrated noise. Feelings are so hard. ]
If that happens and I keep my distance, it won't feel so bad.
[ It won't remind him of when he made himself vulnerable to Megumi's mom, committed himself fully to her and lived in a joy he never knew he could feel.. only to have it all crumble into pieces before him. ]
[ it's daunting to admit it, to verbalize this one weakness. toji's strong in his own right, and the last thing he wants is expose himself to someone who could potentially hurt him.
luckily, it's just her. she's not the type to use this to her advantage in the future. after going through so much gaslighting and emotional abuse, she'll never. instead, she just squeezes his shoulders. ]
So do it scared.
[ she knows he's got this. he's battled much worse, after all. ]
[ Somehow, he knows that she wouldn't do anything to her advantage or anything like that. The relationship they have with one another is strange, Toji is realizing, but then again, he's not really been one to form relationships with people to begin with.
His nose wrinkles and he finally bats at one of her hands on his shoulders. ]
You don't have to tell me what to do. It's my decision if I ever want to fall in love again.
[ That's how he thinks it goes, at least, but he's a clown because he's just so far gone when it come to Yor. He really didn't have a say in his heart's feelings. ]
[ fine fine, she's letting go and getting off the bed. this is getting way too sappy for her own good, and she should reserve this side to that one other person who's been on her mind lately. ]
I know. I just thought you needed that one extra push, is all. You have more experience in this department than me, after all.
[ she smirks. she's got your back, toji!! she walks to the door, and just when she's about to turn the knob -- ]
...She's waiting for you, you know.
[ and then she's gone. good luck king! you're gonna need it. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
[ That shouldn't have anything to do with us. ]
no subject
[ back then, she wouldn't. but this is the consequence of getting too close to people no matter how they try not to get attached. at some point, they can't help but do just that. ]
I wanted a reference anyway. Not just with doing it with someone you really liked, but... in general. [ love is such a strong word, but... toji had certainly had more experience in that department if he was able to get a child out of it, among other things. ] You don't... feel the same way towards me, do you?
no subject
It's Yor, the person he is thinking about now and how he's going to undeniably going to have to figure those feelings out.. and soon. The way he's smitten but also terrified, it's becoming overwhelming for someone like him. Someone emotionally unstable because he has ignored his feelings long enough.
Idly, he pats a seat next to him. ]
Hey. Sit down.
[ This might get messy. ]
Not once.
[ --did I ever feel romantic towards you. It might have been harsh, but nobody said Toji was ever delicate with other people's feelings. ]
no subject
so when toji admits that no, he hasn't felt a single thing towards her, she lets out a huge sigh of relief. ]
Okay, that's good. [ that's one hurdle down. ] I didn't mean to put it like I don't want you to catch feelings in general. I just don't think we're meant at all for each other in that way, nor do I think that what we have right now is sustainable for the long run.
[ it's been fun, but... sometimes she can't help but wonder what it's like if there are some strings attached, with a different person. ]
1/2
[ He didn't mean to let that come out of his mouth, but it just kind of does, mostly because he's frustrated that he's let his guard down and allowed it to happen and now he's stuck. He hates being in this situation, truly. Toji lets out a thoughtful hum, then digs his elbow into her, eyes half-lidded and tired, but, there's an inkling of a genuine smile there.
Maybe it's because while he was fucking Ishmael, his guard had been let down a little bit with her too. But not in a romantic way, just in .. a friendship way. Was that okay? Did he even deserve friends? ]
Oi.
2/2, cw: mention of violence against women, familal abuse
Whoever he is, he better be nice to you.
[ yeah girl it's obvious you got a crush, you don't gotta say it. Being relieved that he doesn't like her; asking about his first love. It's obvious. She's into somebody.
Toji has a tendency to boss women (and really, anyone) around, but never once would he ever put them in a situation that made them feel unsafe or uncomfortable. Back on his estate, he was abused, just like the women were, and although their suffering was different in a way he couldn't understand since he's a man, he hated to see them in a situation that made them unsafe. He was still a person without cursed energy, which his family hated, so he was put in a category of being harmed just like they were. ]
no subject
Huh? Wait, that's not--
[ except, that's exactly it. and maybe back then she'd still be in denial about her own feelings, but she's never been the one to lie just to one-up somebody. she tucks a lock of hair behind her ear and huffs. ]
...He is, so you don't have to worry about that.
[ she sounds exasperated, but at the same time... she can't help but feel a little fond. see? he does care in his own complicated way. even during in bed whenever they choose to get a little rough. but now, she is curious. ]
So... You don't have feelings for me, or for anyone at all? [ she places a hand on his knee for reassurance. ] You can tell me. We may as well let it all out now.
[ well not everything, but. you know. ]
1/2
[ He knew it. And Toji would be so smug right now if Ishmael hadn't brought him and his feelings into this conversation. The hand on his knee especially gets him to react-- to scoff and look away for a moment.
If Ishmael dares to look further at him, though, she might notice.. something very odd. Something she probably hasn't ever seen before. Even with all of the dirty things they have done and said to one another. And yet.. and yet...
The edges of his ears are a little red. ]
...
2/2
[ That settles it, then. He's closer to Ishmael than he thought, because he wouldn't just admit this so easily and to anyone. Maybe apart of him wanted to tell someone too. Maybe somehow it was going to help the myriad of conflicting emotions that were boiling up inside of him as he shrugged it off like it wasn't anything. But he can't help it.
He's thinking of her all the time now. ]
Wanna know how I know?
[ This is going back to the question she asked previously about him knowing about his first wife. ]
no subject
well, it's pretty obvious who it is. judging from how yor talks about him, he treats her so differently compared to the rest. ishmael couldn't believe her ears at first. but seeing him now and hearing that confirmation from him has made her realizes that he's changed - even if he might not have realized it yet.
she's silent for a while, then shakes her head solemnly. ]
How did you know?
no subject
[ He’s not good about opening up with his feelings to anyone, but it certainly does count for something that he’s willing to with someone. It’s only because he’s known Ishmael for a long time now, and although they barely spent time getting to actually know one another, something about being physically close to her makes it easier to be emotionally close to her to.
The words that come out of his mouth next are nearly poetic. ]
Every damn night when I close my eyes, I see her. I want to know everything about her. What does she like, what she doesn’t like. What is she afraid of. Where she came from. What makes her happy.
[ Although all of this sounds very sweet, he sounds very distressed while talking about it. Almost like it aches to be so smitten by someone. ]
It happened so fast… I thought.
[ … ]
I thought it would never happen again.
no subject
Mm, I get it. [ she leans her head against his shoulder. ] That's... how I felt about him, too. It's his fault I became like this.
[ all they needed was a little bit of kindness before the walls came tumbling down. at least toji had had prior experience, albeit floundering all the way. ishmael, meanwhile, had none of that.
and yet: ] But that's the thing about most relationships. It always starts from small curiosities. Because I'm also curious about you, and Yor, and everyone else we've met here so far. And that is why... we have to end it here.
[ so that they'll know each other on a deeper level, not just on physicalities alone.
she turns her head slightly to look at him. ]
You have to come and get her, Toji. I'm sure she's waiting for you.
[ like how wriothesley is waiting for her, too. ]
no subject
I think you're right -- about ending it.
[ As for committing to Yor, he still is unsure. His tongue clicks. ]
It's a lot for me.
[ To commit. To try again. To think he's worth pursuing any amount of happiness. He's scared, really, because what if he has that happiness again and something goes wrong? What if she dies like his first wife did? Or she sees all the ugly parts of him and leaves him? ]
Maybe it's better that I just take what I deserve and not what I want.
[ Meaning.. he thinks he deserves something less of joy. That's what his family's treatment made him think about himself, in any case. Fucking around with whoever brought him some satisfaction and happiness. That's why he always just settled for it instead of being in love. ]
no subject
but it's too late now. they've grown close despite their bodies doing all the talking for them. and if that's what it'll take to push toji on, then fine.
she stands up from her seat and climbs onto the bed, kneeling behind toji and leaning in to give him a hug from there. her long orange hair cascades down his side like a waterfall as she plops her chin on his shoulder ]
...Hey. Listen to me. [ shakes him a little. ] You do know that when you want something, you're allowed to just do what you have to get it? Even when it wouldn't hurt anyone and it would make you really happy.
[ mind = blown. ]
None of us are going to be here for long, you know. She might even disappear the next day. [ someone has to say it. ] It's one less burden on your shoulders, you know. Don't sit on it until it's too late.
no subject
It's hard to admit it, but he will, only because he's been with Ishmael for a long time, even if it was just for a distraction and a good time. ]
It's not that I don't know that. I know that damn well. That's part of the problem. If ...
[ He makes a frustrated noise. Feelings are so hard. ]
If that happens and I keep my distance, it won't feel so bad.
[ It won't remind him of when he made himself vulnerable to Megumi's mom, committed himself fully to her and lived in a joy he never knew he could feel.. only to have it all crumble into pieces before him. ]
I'm scared, Ishmael.
[ He finally says it. ]
no subject
[ it's daunting to admit it, to verbalize this one weakness. toji's strong in his own right, and the last thing he wants is expose himself to someone who could potentially hurt him.
luckily, it's just her. she's not the type to use this to her advantage in the future. after going through so much gaslighting and emotional abuse, she'll never. instead, she just squeezes his shoulders. ]
So do it scared.
[ she knows he's got this. he's battled much worse, after all. ]
no subject
His nose wrinkles and he finally bats at one of her hands on his shoulders. ]
You don't have to tell me what to do. It's my decision if I ever want to fall in love again.
[ That's how he thinks it goes, at least, but he's a clown because he's just so far gone when it come to Yor. He really didn't have a say in his heart's feelings. ]
no subject
I know. I just thought you needed that one extra push, is all. You have more experience in this department than me, after all.
[ she smirks. she's got your back, toji!! she walks to the door, and just when she's about to turn the knob -- ]
...She's waiting for you, you know.
[ and then she's gone. good luck king! you're gonna need it. ]